Meryl Streep has it all: three Oscar awards adorn her shelves, with 30 Golden Globe nominations over 38 years, honorary doctorate degrees from four Ivy League universities, and a Presidential Medal of Freedom. And, presumably, a healthy retirement fund from the millions she’s earned over the years. So you know what she probably doesn’t need? A three-day mansion stay at the Lost Coast Ranch worth $40,000. Or head-to-toe laser skin treatment to remove any “imperfections” worth nearly $5,000. We suspect a 14K solid gold and diamond encrusted bracelet worth $375 would go straight into the sock drawer.
Yet, she and the hundreds of Hollywood elite along with her will receive these gifts anyway, in this year’s Oscars goody bag.
The Oscar gift bag has long been a luxury perk for nominees and their powerful Academy colleagues. But this year in particular, with much of Hollywood taking a public, awards-season stance against Donald Trump, and restrictive, self-serving policies, it seems the opulant sack of treasures exclusively for wealthy celebrities needs a recast. We’re not the only ones: the US Campaign to End the Israeli Occupation and Jewish Voice for Peace took out a full-page ad in the LA Times blasting a free, all-inclusive trip to Israel for $55,000.
Granted, we’re no awards show movers or shakers, but here are six gifts we’d like to see inside this year’s giveaway haul:
An ACLU Membership Rewards Card
The ACLU has received more name drops than Ari Emmanuel since awards season kicked off, including Sarah Paulson’s shout out where she called it “a vital organization that relies entirely on our support,” it seems like a logical next step for the ACLU to take a cue from American Express and offer a membership rewards card—in platinum, of course—for every time you make a donation. Accrue enough points, and you’ll earn free airfare to the protest of your choice.
Karl Lagerfeld’s Couture Pussy Hat from Chanel
Sure, the handmade, pointy-eared caps crafted for this year’s Women’s March are charming in that DIY kind of way, but with the dozens of famous female celebrities who turned out for the event across the country, the House of Chanel should consider a high-end version to pair with that million-dollar Oscar look. Particularly now that Vogue covers protests like Paris fashion week.
A gift certificate for a custom protest sign calligrapher
It’s unavoidable: you’re a famous mouthpiece for a political movement, and suddenly those Sharpie-scrawled cardboard signs of yore don’t quite cut it anymore. It would only make sense if potential future Oscar winner Emma Stone cemented her activist legacy with a celebrity calligrapher like Seb Lester etching her next “Impeach the Orange” sign.
A nasty woman pillow
An overwhelming number of Hollywood elite stumped stumped for Hillary Clinton. In her honor and nasty women everywhere, may we suggest a Nasty Woman emblazoned pillow. At just $16 it will likely be the cheapest thing in their house. Or, for about $4 million more, Clinton herself might come over for a gentle hug—especially if you lose.
A storage unit to save climate change data
Famous people could do a lot of good for Mother Earth with a gifted storage unit. Rather than stow away all their precious jewels, awards, and antiques, they can instead fill it with climate change data that President Trump is hell bent on destroying. At just $7 a month, this gift bag item is a real bargain for protecting the fate of the planet.
A how-to guide for getting the “Trump Bump”
This one is for the starlets, supporting players, or anyone else who wants to raise their public profile: a simple how-to on getting the President of the United States to tweet something shamefully childish about you. In turn, it will raise your profile at least a few percentage points and likely help you sell out movie tickets and gain a few thousand followers. Check out what it did for Streep after she so eloquently blasted him (without ever speaking his name) at the Golden Globes:
So get to work on those speeches, people!